I never think of it without perceiving to
what degree judgments, founded upon appearances to which the vulgar
give so much weight, are deceitful, and how frequently audaciousness
and pride are found in the guilty, and shame and embarrassment in
the innocent.
We were reconciled: this was a relief to my heart, which every
kind of quarrel fills with anguish. It will naturally be supposed that
a like reconciliation changed nothing in his manners; all it
effected was to deprive me of the right of complaining of them. For
this reason I took a resolution to endure everything, and for the
future to say not a word.
So many successive vexations overwhelmed me to such a degree as to
leave me but little power over my mind. Receiving no answer from Saint
Lambert, neglected by Madam d'Houdetot, and no longer daring to open
my heart to any person, I began to be afraid that by making friendship
my idol, I should sacrifice my whole life to chimeras. After putting
all those with whom I had been acquainted to the test, there
remained but two who had preserved my esteem, and in whom my heart
could confide: Duclos, of whom since my retreat to the Hermitage I had
lost sight, and Saint Lambert. I thought the only means of repairing
the wrongs I had done the latter, was to open myself to him without
reserve, and resolved to confess to him everything by which his
mistress should not be exposed. I have no doubt but this was another
snare of my passion to keep me nearer to her person; but I should
certainly have had no reserve with her lover, entirely submitting to
his direction, and carrying sincerity as far as it was possible to
do it.
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