I thought being treated like a child by persons younger than
myself, and who, of themselves, stood in great need of the advice they
so prodigally bestowed on me was too much: "Love me," said I to
them, "as I love you, but, in every other respect, let my affairs be
as indifferent to you, as yours are to me: this is all I ask." If they
granted me one of these two requests, it was not the latter.
I had a retired residence in a charming solitude, was master of my
own house, and could live in it in the manner I thought proper,
without being controlled by any person. This habitation imposed on
me duties agreeable to discharge, but which were indispensable. My
liberty was precarious. In a greater state of subjection than a person
at the command of another, it was my duty to be so by inclination.
When I arose in the morning, I never could say to myself, I will
employ this day as I think proper. And, moreover, besides my being
subject to obey the call of Madam d'Epinay, I was exposed to the still
more disagreeable importunities of the public and chance comers. The
distance I was at from Paris did not prevent crowds of idlers, not
knowing how to spend their time, from daily breaking in upon me,
and, without the least scruple, freely disposing of mine. When I least
expected visitors I was unmercifully assailed by them, and I seldom
made a plan for the agreeable employment of the day that was not
counteracted by the arrival of some stranger.
In short, finding no real enjoyment in the midst of the pleasures
I had been most desirous to obtain, I, by sudden mental transitions,
returned in imagination to the serene days of my youth, and
sometimes exclaimed with a sigh: "Ah! this is not Les Charmettes!"
The recollection of the different periods of my life led me to
reflect upon that at which I was arrived, and I found I was already on
the decline, a prey to painful disorders, and imagined I was
approaching the end of my days without having tasted, in all its
plenitude, scarcely any one of the pleasures after which my heart
had so much thirsted, or having given scope to the lively sentiments I
felt it had in reserve.
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