In solitude especially is it, that the
advantage of living with a person who knows how to think is
particularly felt. I wanted not this resource to amuse myself with
her; but she would have stood in need of it to have always found
amusement with me. The worst of all was our being obliged to hold
our conversations when we could; her mother, who become importunate,
obliged me to watch for opportunities to do it. I was under constraint
in my own house: this is saying everything; the air of love was
prejudicial to good friendship. We had an intimate intercourse without
living in intimacy.
The moment I thought I perceived that Theresa sometimes sought for a
pretext to elude the walks I proposed to her, I ceased to invite her
to accompany me, without being displeased with her for not finding
in them so much amusement as I did. Pleasure is not a thing which
depends upon the will. I was sure of her heart, and the possession
of this was all I desired. As long as my pleasures were hers, I tasted
of them with her; when this ceased to be the case I preferred her
contentment to my own.
In this manner it was that, half deceived in my expectation, leading
a life after my own heart, in a residence I had chosen with a person
who was dear to me, I at length found myself almost alone. What I
still wanted prevented me from enjoying what I had. With respect to
happiness and enjoyment, everything or nothing, was what was necessary
to me. The reason of these observations will hereafter appear.
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