At length I was settled in an agreeable and solitary asylum, at
liberty to pass there the remainder of my days, in that peaceful,
equal and independent life for which felt myself born. Before I relate
the effects this situation, so new to me, had upon my heart, it is
proper I should recapitulate its secret affections, that the reader
may better follow in their causes the progress of these new
modifications.
I have always considered the day on which I was united to Theresa as
that which fixed my moral existence. An attachment was necessary for
me, since that which should have been sufficient to my heart had
been so cruelly broken. The thirst after happiness is never
extinguished in the heart of man. Mamma was advancing into years,
and dishonored herself! I had proofs that she could never more be
happy here below; it therefore remained to me to seek my own
happiness, having lost all hopes of partaking of hers. I was sometimes
irresolute, and fluctuated from one idea to another, and from
project to project. My journey to Venice would have thrown me into
public life, had the man with whom, almost against my inclination, I
was connected there had common sense. I was easily discouraged,
especially in undertakings of length and difficulty. The ill success
of this disgusted me with every other; and, according to my old
maxims, considering distant objects as deceitful allurements I
resolved in future to provide for immediate wants, seeing nothing in
life which could tempt me to make extraordinary efforts.
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