All our disputes were
of this kind, he prescribing to me what he pretended I ought do, and I
defending myself because I was of a different opinion.
It was late when we parted. I would have taken him to supper at
Madam d'Epinay's, but he refused to go; and, notwithstanding all the
efforts which at different times the desire of uniting those I love
induced me to make, to prevail upon him to see her, even that of
conducting her to his door which he kept shut against us, he
constantly refused to do it, and never spoke of her but with the
utmost contempt. It was not until after I had quarreled with both that
they became acquainted and that he began to speak honorably of her.
From this time Diderot and Grimm seemed to have undertaken to
alienate from me the governesses, by giving them to understand that if
they were not in easy circumstances the fault was my own, and that
they never would be so with me. They endeavored to prevail on them
to leave me, promising them the privilege for retailing salt, a
snuff shop, and I know not what other advantages by means of the
influence of Madam d'Epinay. They likewise wished to gain over
Duclos and d'Holbach, but the former constantly refused their
proposals. I had at the time some intimation of what was going
forward, but I was not fully acquainted with the whole until long
afterwards; and I frequently had reason to lament the effects of the
blind and indiscreet zeal of my friends, who, in my ill state of
health, striving to reduce me to the most melancholy solitude,
endeavored, as they imagined, to render me happy by the means which,
of all others, were the most proper to make me miserable.
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