I could not prepare a suitable
answer without exactly knowing what his majesty was to say to me;
and had this been the case, I was certain that, in his presence, I
should not recollect a word of what I had previously meditated.
"What," said I, "will become of me in this moment, and before the
whole court, if in my confusion, any of my stupid expressions should
escape me?" This danger alarmed and terrified me. I trembled to such a
degree that at all events I was determined not to expose myself to it.
I lost, it is true, the pension which in some measure was offered
me; but I at the same time exempted myself from the yoke it would have
imposed. Adieu, truth, liberty, and courage! How should I afterwards
have dared to speak of disinterestedness and independence? Had I
received the pension I must either have become a flatterer or remained
silent; and moreover, who would have insured to me the payment of
it! What steps should I have been under the necessity of taking! How
many people must I have solicited! I should have had more trouble
and anxious cares in preserving than in doing without it. Therefore, I
thought I acted according to my principles by refusing, and
sacrificing appearances to reality. I communicated my resolution to
Grimm, who said nothing against it. To others I alleged my ill state
of health, and left the court in the morning.
My departure made some noise, and was generally condemned. My
reasons could not be known to everybody, it was therefore easy to
accuse me of foolish pride, and thus not irritate the jealousy of such
as felt they would not have acted as I had done.
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