They who saw this must recollect it, for it has never yet been
equaled.
The same evening the Duke d'Aumont sent to desire me to be at the
palace the next day at eleven o'clock, when he would present me to the
king. M. de Cury, who delivered me the message, added that he
thought a pension was intended, and that his majesty wished to
announce it to me himself. Will it be believed that the night of so
brilliant a day was for me a night of anguish and perplexity? My first
idea, after that of being presented, was that of my frequently wanting
to retire; this had made me suffer very considerably at the theater,
and might torment me the next day when I should be in the gallery,
or in the king's apartment, amongst all the great, waiting for the
passing of his majesty. My infirmity was the principal cause which
prevented me from mixing in polite companies, and enjoying the
conversation of the fair. The idea alone of the situation in which
this want might place me, was sufficient to produce it to such a
degree as to make me faint away, or to recur to means to which, in
my opinion, death was much preferable. None but persons who are
acquainted with this situation can judge of the horror which being
exposed to the risk of it inspires.
I then supposed myself before the king, presented to his majesty,
who deigned to stop and speak to me. In this situation, justness of
expression and presence of mind were peculiarly necessary in
answering. Would my timidity, which disconcerts me in presence of
any stranger whatever, have been shaken off in presence of the King of
France; or would it have suffered me instantly to make choice of
proper expressions? I wished, without laying aside the austere
manner I had adopted, to show myself sensible of the honor done me
by so great a monarch, and in a handsome and merited eulogium to
convey some great and useful truth.
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