I was assured that reading would injure me; but on the contrary, I
am rather inclined to think it was serviceable, not only to my soul,
but also to my body; for this application, which soon became
delightful, diverted my thoughts from my disorders, and I soon found
myself much less affected by them. It is certain, however, that
nothing gave me absolute ease, but having no longer any acute pain,
I became accustomed to languishment and wakefulness; to thinking
instead of acting; in short, I looked on the gradual and slow decay of
my body as inevitably progressive and only to be terminated by death.
This opinion not only detached me from all the vain cares of life,
but delivered me from the importunity of medicine, to which
hitherto, I had been forced to submit, though contrary to my
inclination. Salomon, convinced that his drugs were unavailing, spared
me the disagreeable task of taking them, and contented himself with
amusing the grief of my poor Madam de Warrens by some of those
harmless preparations, which serve to flatter the hopes of the patient
and keep up the credit of the doctor. I discontinued the strict
regimen I had latterly observed, resumed the use of wine, and lived in
every respect like a man in perfect health, as far as my strength
would permit, only being careful to run into no excess; I even began
to go out and visit my acquaintance, particularly M. de Conzie,
whose conversation was extremely pleasing to me. Whether it struck
me as heroic to study to my last hour, or that some hopes of life
yet lingered in the bottom of my heart, I cannot tell, but the
apparent certainty of death, far from relaxing my inclination for
improvement, seemed to animate it, and I hastened to acquire knowledge
for the other world, as if convinced I should only possess that
portion I could carry with me.
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