I
could never advance one step beyond the improvement of the first
sitting, nay, I am convinced that had I studied it a thousand ages,
I should have ended by being able to give Bagueret the rook and
nothing more.
It will be said my time was well employed, and not a little of it
passed in this occupation, nor did I quit my first essay till unable
to persist in it, for on leaving my apartment I had the appearance
of a corpse, and had I continued this course much longer I should
certainly have been one.
Any one will allow that it would have been extraordinary, especially
in the ardor of youth, that such a head should suffer the body to
enjoy continued health; the alteration of mine had an effect on my
temper, moderating the ardor of my chimerical fancies, for as I grew
weaker they became more tranquil, and I even lost, in some measure, my
rage for traveling. I was not seized with heaviness, but melancholy;
vapors succeeded passions, languor became sorrow: I wept and sighed
without cause, and felt my life ebbing away before I had enjoyed it. I
only trembled to think of the situation in which I should leave my
dear Madam de Warrens; and I can truly say, that quitting her, and
leaving her in these melancholy circumstances, was my only concern. At
length I fell quite ill, and was nursed by her as never mother
nursed a child. The care she took of me was of real utility to her
affairs, since it diverted her mind from schemes, and kept
projectors at a distance.
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