It had one good effect, however,
in preserving me through the rest of my life from any criminal action,
from the terrible impression that has remained from the only one I
ever committed; and I think my aversion for lying proceeds in a
great measure from regret at having been guilty of so black a one.
If it is a crime that can be expiated, as I dare believe, forty
years of uprightness and honor on various difficult occasions, with
the many misfortunes that have overwhelmed my latter years, may have
completed it. Poor Marion has found so many avengers in this world,
that however great my offense towards her, I do not fear to bear the
guilt with me. Thus have I disclosed what I had to say on this painful
subject; may I be permitted never to mention it again.
BOOK III
[1728-1731]
HAVING left the service of Madam de Vercellis nearly as I had
entered it, I returned to my former hostess, and remained there five
or six weeks; during which time health, youth, and laziness,
frequently rendered my temperament importunate. I was restless,
absent, and thoughtful: I wept and sighed for a happiness I had no
idea of, though at the same time highly sensible of some deficiency.
This situation is indescribable, few men can even form any
conception of it, because, in general, they have prevented that
plenitude of life, at once tormenting and delicious. My thoughts
were incessantly occupied with girls and women, but in a manner
peculiar to myself: these ideas kept my senses in a perpetual and
disagreeable activity, though, fortunately, they did not point out the
means of deliverance.
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