At this moment such a transaction appeared in all its horrors; I
shuddered at the engagement I had entered into, and its inevitable
consequences. The future neophytes with which I was surrounded were
not calculated to sustain my courage by their example, and I could not
help considering the holy work I was about to perform as the action of
a villain. Though young, I was sufficiently convinced, that whatever
religion might be the true one, I was about to sell mine; and even
should I chance to choose the best, I lied to the Holy Ghost, and
merited the disdain of every good man. The more I considered, the more
I despised myself, and trembled at the fate which had led me into such
a predicament, as if my present situation had not been of my own
seeking. There were moments when these compunctions were so strong,
that had I found the door open but for an instant, I should
certainly have made my escape; but this was impossible, nor was the
resolution of any long duration, being combated by too many secret
motives to stand any chance of gaining the victory.
My fixed determination not to return to Geneva, the shame that would
attend it, the difficulty of repassing the mountains, at a distance
from my country, without friends, and without resources, everything
concurred to make me consider my remorse of conscience, as a too
late repentance. I affected to reproach myself for what I had done, to
seek excuses for that I intended to do, and by aggravating the
errors of the past, looked on the future as an inevitable consequence.
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