It has taught me this great lesson of morality,
perhaps the only one that can have any conspicuous influence on our
actions, that we should ever carefully avoid putting our interest in
competition with our duty, or promise ourselves felicity from the
misfortunes of others; certain that in such circumstances, however
sincere our love of virtue may be, sooner or later it will give way,
and we shall imperceptibly become unjust and wicked, in fact,
however upright in our intentions.
This maxim, strongly imprinted on my mind, and reduced, though
rather too late, to practice, has given my conduct an appearance of
folly and whimsicality, not only in public, but still more among my
acquaintances: it has been said, I affected originality, and sought to
act different from other people; the truth is, I neither endeavor to
conform or be singular, I desired only to act virtuously and avoid
situations, which, by setting my interest in opposition to that of
another person's, might inspire me with a secret, though
involuntary, wish to his disadvantage.
Two years ago, My Lord Marshal would have put my name in his will,
which I took every method to prevent, assuring him I would not for the
world know myself in the will of any one, much less in his; he gave up
the idea; but insisted, in return, that I should accept an annuity
on his life; this I consented to. It will be said, I find my account
in the alteration; perhaps I may: but oh, my benefactor! my father,
I am now sensible that, should I have the misfortune to survive
thee, I should have everything to lose, nothing to gain.
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