It was not want of zeal prevented this amiable woman from
giving those proofs of devotion which might have been expected from
a new convert, under the immediate direction of a prelate. Whatever
might have influenced her to change her religion, she was certainly
sincere in that she had embraced; she might find sufficient occasion
to repent having abjured her former faith, but no inclination to
return to it. She not only died a good Catholic, but truly lived
one; nay, I dare affirm (and I think I have had the opportunity to
read the secrets of her heart) that it was only her aversion to
singularity that prevented her acting the devotee in public; in a
word, her piety was too sincere to give way to any affectation of
it. But this is not the place to enlarge on her principles; I shall
find other occasions to speak of them.
Let those who deny the existence of a sympathy of souls, explain, if
they know how, why the first glance, the first word of Madam de
Warrens inspired me, not only with a lively attachment, but with the
most unbounded confidence, which has since known no abatement. Say
this was love (which will at least appear doubtful to those who read
the sequel of our attachment) how could this passion be attended
with sentiments which scarce ever accompany its commencement, such
as peace, serenity, security, and confidence. How, when making
application to an amiable and polished woman, whose situation in
life was so superior to mine, so far above any I had yet approached,
on whom, in a great measure, depended my future fortune, by the degree
of interest she might take in it; how, I say, with so many reasons
to depress me, did I feel myself as free, as much at my ease, as if
I had been perfectly secure of pleasing her! Why did I not
experience a moment of embarrassment, timidity, or restraint?
Naturally bashful, easily confused, having seen nothing of the
world, could I, the first time, the first moment I beheld her, adopt
caressing language, and a familiar tone, as readily as after ten
years' intimacy had rendered these freedoms natural? Is it possible to
possess love, I will not say without desires, for I certainly had
them, but without inquietude, without jealousy? Can we avoid feeling
an anxious wish at least, to know whether our affection is returned?
Yet such a question never entered my imagination: I should as soon
have inquired, do I love myself; nor did she ever express a greater
degree of curiosity; there was, certainly, something extraordinary
in my attachment to this charming woman, and it will be found in the
sequel, that some extravagances, which cannot be foreseen, attended
it.
Pages:
54
55
56
57
58
59
60
61
62
63
64
65
66
67
68
69
70
71
72
73
74
75
76
77
78