Nothing ever gave me a clearer
demonstration of the difference between filial dependence and abject
slavery, than the remembrance of the change produced in me at that
period. Hitherto I had enjoyed a reasonable liberty; this I had
suddenly lost. I was enterprising at my father's, free at M.
Lambercier's, discreet at my uncle's; but, with my master, I became
fearful and from that moment my mind was vitiated. Accustomed to
live on terms of perfect equality, to be witness of no pleasures I
could not command, to see no dish I was not to partake of, or be
sensible of a desire I might not express; to be able to bring every
wish of my heart to my lips- what a transition!- at my master's I
was scarce allowed to speak, was forced to quit the table without
tasting what I most longed for, and the room when I had nothing
particular to do there; was incessantly confined to my work, while the
liberty my master and his journeymen enjoyed, served only to
increase the weight of my subjection. When disputes happened to arise,
though conscious that I understood the subject better than any of
them, I dared not offer my opinion; in a word, everything I saw became
an object of desire, for no other reason than because I was not
permitted to enjoy anything. Farewell gayety, ease, those happy
turns of expression, which formerly even made my faults escape
correction. I recollect, with pleasure, a circumstance that happened
at my father's, which even now makes me smile. Being for some fault
ordered to bed without my supper, as I was passing through the
kitchen, with my poor morsel of bread in my hand, I saw the meat
turning on the spit; my father and the rest were round the fire; I
must bow to every one as I passed.
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