Fear for
myself I have never known, for at no time has life so pampered me that the
thought of parting company with it concerned me greatly. Fear for another
I had not known till then--saving perchance the uneasiness that at times I
had felt touching Andrea--because never yet had I sufficiefltly cared.
Thus far my thoughts took me, as I rode, and where I have halted did they
halt, and stupidly I went over their ground again, like one who gropes for
something in the dark,--because never yet had I sufficiently cared--I had
never cared.
And then, ah Dieu! As I turned the thought over I understood, and,
understanding, I pursued the sentence where I had left off.
But, caring at last, I was sick with fear of what might befall the one I
cared for! There lay the reason of the frenzied excitement whereof I had
become the slave. That it was that had brought the moisture to my brow and
curses to my lips; that it was that had caused me instinctively to thrust
the rag of green velvet within my doublet.
Ciel! It was strange--aye, monstrous strange, and a right good jest for
fate to laugh at--that I, Gaston de Luynes, vile ruffler and worthless
spadassin, should have come to such a pass; I, whose forefinger had for the
past ten years uptilted the chin of every tavern wench I had chanced upon;
I, whose lips had never known the touch of other than the lips of these; I,
who had thought my heart long dead to tenderness and devotion, or to any
fondness save the animal one for my ignoble self.
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