Then, to marry
afterwards without adequate means, is a continual act of self-abasement.
It is to be unable to maintain one's convictions, it is to be compelled
to fawn upon one's superiors, and this is more true in Spain than it is
elsewhere, as everything here must be obtained through personal
influence.
Suppose one does not submit? If you do not submit you are lost. You are
condemned irretrievably to perversions, to debility, to hysteria.
You will find yourself slinking about the other sex like a famished
wolf, you will live obsessed by lewd ideas, your mind will solace itself
with swindles and cheats wherewith to provide a solution of the riddle
of existence, you will become the mangy sheep that the shepherd sets
apart from the flock.
Ever since early youth, I have been clearly conscious of this dilemma,
and I have determined and said: "No; I choose the abnormal--give me
hysteria, but submission, never!"
So derangement and distortion have come to my mind.
If I could have followed my inclinations freely during those fruitful
years between fifteen and twenty-five, I should have been a serene
person, a little sensual, perhaps, and perhaps a little cynical, but I
should certainly not have become violent.
The morality of our social system has disturbed and upset me.
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